The Tunnel 

We join two ladies, deep in conversation about men and what makes men thrive.

In this story, Claudia is the last in a long line of women who have studied men for over 500 years, based on some simple question: “what if there’s a good reason for everything men do, and men are responding to women?” Based on observation, a series of keys were discovered to unlocking the best from men. Karen is in her late 30s, married to Mike and struggling with her husband. Claudia’s insights are helping Karen and one of the most powerful are the Stages of Development for men: Page, Knight, Prince, then through the Tunnel, to King. This excerpt is focused on The Tunnel. 

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Karen took another sip from her mug. “This cocoa is delicious. What do you mean by the paradoxes?”

“Well, for example, the paradox of loyalty and competition—they co-exist in men. Like violence and a craving for peace. Like the fact that a man can be ready to kill another man, or be willing to die for him. Those paradoxes.”

“Can you tell me more?” Karen asked, sounding hopeful.

“Someday, maybe; I’m not done studying them. And, anyway, we have an important topic today, as I am sure you remember.” She smiled at Karen.

Karen smiled back. “Yep, I sure do. And I did my homework. Mike and I had a great talk about being a Prince. We talked about what it was like for him and what it was like for me. I sure learned a lot from listening to him. But I bet you knew that would happen.”

Claudia was delighted. “We always learn a lot from men whenever we’re willing to listen. And especially when we are able to hear.”

Karen leaned her head to the side. “What do you mean, ‘able to hear’?”

Claudia loved how Karen picked up on these nuances, and how ready she was to learn. “Karen, I am sure that the things Mike told you this week, he has told you before. Perhaps many times. Men are always telling us what they need and what they think; to do this is part of their nature. But we are not always able to hear them. Because we assume they communicate like women, we’re always looking for some deeper, hidden meaning. We miss their communication because we can’t take it at face value. Part of what is happening from our time together is that you are becoming able to hear Mike.”

Claudia let that sink in. “You are doing well, Karen. Better than I hoped.” Karen smiled, pleased at the compliment.

“Are you ready?” Claudia asked.

“Yes! I finally get to hear about the stage Mike is in, right?” Karen said and reached for her pad and pen.

Claudia adjusted the lap blanket and warmed her hands on her mug. She prepared herself for possibly the most difficult lesson yet. Karen was poised, pen in hand. “Mike is not really in a stage, Karen. That is the difficulty. Mike is in the transition between Prince and King and it is extremely uncomfortable.”

“What do you mean?”

“After being a Late Prince for a while, a man enters a transition period. We call it the Tunnel. You could think of it as a cocoon. On the other side he will be as transformed as the caterpillar that turns into a butterfly. But it is an extremely uncomfortable cocoon. It was once labeled, ‘The Descent into Darkness.’”

“That sounds awful. What does it mean?”

“They called it that because with each step a man takes in the Tunnel, he becomes less certain about who he is and what he knows to be true. His identity is profoundly in question. In fact, that is what rules this transition period. Questions, questions, questions. He will involuntarily question everything. What is important to him, his standards, and the value of all that he spent a decade building. Nothing is off limits.

“But the questions don’t bring answers. Just more questions. That is the torture. Men are compelled to solve problems and they always solve them consistent with their values, consistent with themselves. The Tunnel is one long string of unsolvable problems. They can’t be solved because the basis for solving them—his sense of self—is in question. He is standing on quicksand and he can’t move in any direction.”

“Is that why Mike is frustrated and angry all the time?”

“Yes. What makes it worse is that Late Princes are characterized by a growing certainty and confidence. It’s all coming together. It’s wonderful. Then one morning they wake up and it begins falling apart. Out of nowhere, they are suddenly being plagued by doubts. You can imagine how that might be for a man. They often wonder if they are going crazy.”

“Sometimes Mike sounds like he’s crazy. And he hates what he is like.” Karen paused, considering. Quietly she asked, “Does being in the Tunnel affect their sex drive?”

Claudia kept her face blank for Karen’s sake. “Yes, dear. But it’s not predictable. Some men lose interest in sex. Others need much more of it.”

Karen seemed satisfied. “When does the Tunnel start? Is it at a certain age? Mike is 42—is that normal?”

Claudia could see Karen making connections. More importantly, she could see the compassion she was starting to feel for Mike. Compassion is appropriate for Tunnel-men, she thought.

“The Tunnel doesn’t start at a particular age as much as at a particular time. It seems to begin about ten to thirteen years after a man becomes a Middle Prince. In other words, a little more than a decade after he has identified the site of his kingdom and gotten seriously to work. When the Tunnel happens age-wise depends on how young he became an Early Prince and how long it took him to find the career or work that fit him. I know of men who entered the Tunnel as early as 35, but that is unusual. They were very serious, even in college, and knew exactly what they wanted to do. If a man becomes a Middle Prince at twenty-eight, he’ll enter the Tunnel between thirty-eight and forty-one, roughly. I know a man who didn’t identify his kingdom until he was thirty-five. He entered the Tunnel at forty-eight. As you can see, it all depends on the man and the circumstances.”

Karen was counting on her fingers. “We came back from Zimbabwe when I was twenty-seven and Mike was thirty. He just turned forty-two last month. As far as I can tell, he’s been in the Tunnel for about eight months. That’s when all the fun ended and the fights began. Does that sound right?”

Claudia nodded. “He’s right on track. And at a typical age, too. He must get teased a lot about having a mid-life crisis.”

“How’d you guess? People say that’s why he bought his red Miata convertible.”

Claudia frowned. “Unfortunately, almost no one understands the Tunnel. Least of all, women. "Second-adolescence" is an even worse term, so judgmental of men and their path of growth, so belittling of a truly profound time in a man's life. I think we call it a mid-life crisis because it is a crisis—for us women! ”

Karen leaned forward in her chair. “I know it has felt that way for me. Why is that?”

“Because it is a one-man Tunnel, Karen. A man must go through it alone. It only works that way. There is no room in that cocoon for anyone else. And if there were, he would fail to come out. Therefore, the process of the Tunnel causes a man to distance himself from everyone else. Especially those most important to him. This distance drives women crazy. We are biologically dependent upon feeling connected. The Tunnel threatens that.”

Karen held up her hand. “Wait a second; you just said a mouthful. I gotta take this one piece at a time. What do you mean ‘biologically dependent’?”

Claudia sighed. “It’s kind of off the subject. Suffice it to say that as women we have depended upon our connections to other people to keep us alive. For ages, we needed other people to survive. How we know that they will come through for us is by how connected we feel. When we don’t feel connected, especially to a man, romantically, we panic. It is an ancient survival reaction. We mostly respond to it without thinking, seeking intimacy anywhere we can find it.”

She paused. “The real problem is that the way most women approach a man in the Tunnel makes intimacy impossible. Sometimes we can feel like we are free falling and it’s frightening. That is what makes the Tunnel a crisis for us.”

Karen’s brown eyes were round and wide. “Wow.” Claudia waited and let that piece of information get situated for Karen.

Finally, Karen asked, “What did you mean by a man having to distance himself especially from those most important to him?”

Claudia took a deep breath. “Remember last week when we talked about men and their sense of self?” Karen nodded.

“When a man is a Knight or a Prince, his sense of self comes partly from within, and partly from his activities, his friends, his family, and his girlfriend or wife. Who he thinks he is has been shaped in part by who they think he is. In the Tunnel, he has to distance himself from those closest to him, those who most shape his identity. This leaves him free to create his identity strictly within himself. That is what the Tunnel is all about. He is questioning all the influences he has experienced and deciding who he is existentially.” Claudia stopped and looked at Karen. “Are you alright, dear? I know this is a lot to accept and it is close to home.”

“It just hurts. I think if he loved me more, he wouldn’t shut me out.”

Claudia sighed. “I know it seems that way. Like he is shutting you out. But it doesn’t happen like that; the Tunnel forces him to go it alone. This is one of the keys to the kingdom: knowing what not to take personally so you’re not hurt by things he can’t control.”

Karen looked up at her with a mixture of hope and concern. “How long does it last, Claudia? And what happens on the other side?”

Claudia held Karen’s gaze in sympathy. “On the other side he will become a King. And I have much to teach you about that stage. Kings are a very different kind of man than anything that comes before. New rules apply. But we have plenty of time for that.”

She took a sip of her hot chocolate. “As to how long it lasts, that depends. It seems to take between six months and three years. The average is somewhere in the middle and some men don’t come out at all.” Karen looked shocked. “Really? They don’t come out at all? Why is that?”

Claudia pursed her lips, thinking about how much she should say. “It requires a tremendous amount of courage to come out of the Tunnel. The courage to literally define oneself and say ‘to hell’ with anyone who doesn’t like it. Not all men can do it. I am not sure why. No one in my ancestry has studied that phenomenon extensively.”

She continued, “For those who do come out, which is most of them, how long it takes seems to depend on what they do while they are in it. There are some things we have seen that can speed up the process.”

Claudia thought Karen was going to jump out of her seat. “Really, really? What are they?”

“Okay, okay,” Claudia laughed. “Mind you, they don’t all work for everyone and some are more conventional than others.”

She continued, “The most tried and true are on opposite ends of the spectrum. On the one hand is someone a Tunnel-man can talk to as a sounding board. It needs to be someone who doesn’t offer opinions or judgments, and just listens while he talks it all out. All his questions. All his wonderings. Then he can get them out of his head and out in front of him. These days the right type of therapist might provide something like that. Or a coach or a consultant

“What is on the other end of the spectrum?”

“A defining moment. This is the opposite of something safe and slow like a friend to talk to. This is something that forces a man’s hand. Not as easy to arrange, since they usually involve a crisis or emergency. I don’t recommend it.”

Claudia waited while Karen filled in her notes. “You said those were more tried and true. What else is there?” Karen asked.

“There are a couple of things I heard about when I worked at the Chamber of Commerce. I took the job because I knew it would afford many opportunities to observe men and talk to men. I needed more than just Burt and Max and their friends to study. It was rich. Among other things, over the years I watched several men go through the Tunnel. I noticed some men who seemed to make it through faster and I found out they had taken a couple of ‘new age’ programs.”

Claudia waited to see how Karen would respond. Some teachers were open to all types of learning; others were more conventional and everything had to be credentialed. Since Karen was willing to learn from her, she thought Karen was the more open type, but she remembered what Burt had said about giving advice to folks who don’t ask for it.

Karen said, “I think Mike is pretty open-minded. The Peace Corps certainly exposed us to lots of different philosophies. What are the programs?”

Claudia smiled and proceeded. “I’ll tell you about them, but be careful not to recommend them to Mike. You can tell him about them if he asks, but don’t suggest he do them, okay? Remember, safe, safe, safe. Never suggest anything.”

Karen nodded. “Okay. I’ll be careful.”

“These seem to help men come to terms with their manhood by creating a right of passage. This is very important nowadays, when manliness is often suppressed. The man I knew who went through it came back to work powerful and at peace with himself. I noticed the difference right way. After that, he was done with the Tunnel and on his way. I don’t know if it affects all men that way, but what I saw was exciting.”

“It sure would be great if Mike did something like this.”

Claudia sipped her cocoa. “Well, we don’t know yet if he will or not. Let’s talk about what you can do. At least that you can control.”

“What can I do?” Karen looked hopeful. Too hopeful, Claudia thought. Better warn her.

“Karen, as I tell you what you can do, you are likely to see mistakes you’ve been making. Are you prepared for that?”

Karen sighed. “I figure by now that it comes with the territory. At least I won’t have to keep making them.”

Once again, Claudia was impressed by Karen. Sure is a deep well of courage in this young woman, she thought.

“The Tunnel is an extraordinary, intense, soul-searching time for a man. One thing you can do to support him is to honor the process he is in. You might consider it a sacred time in a man’s life. I do.”

Claudia paused. “When I say ‘support,’ I mean it in a different way than the support you provided when Mike was a Prince. Princes will listen to and even seek advice. That would be a mistake with Mike now. Don’t advise him. Don’t tell him what you think is important.” Claudia paused as she saw the stricken look on Karen’s face.

“Oh, dear. I’ve been doing a lot of that.”

“That’s understandable. Just stop. Maybe apologize. What Mike needs the most from you is what I have been having you practice for two weeks now. Just listen and listen and listen.”

“Gosh, has it only been two weeks? It’s made a big difference. But is that all? Is there anything else?”

“Yes: Be his friend. This is another key to the kingdom. When we are someone’s friend, we listen to them and their lives in a concerned but detached sort of way. Because what is happening to them doesn’t affect our lives. With husbands or boyfriends we tend to listen like everything will have an effect on us. That makes us very attached and not safe to talk to. It makes us a lousy friend, because we are mostly concerned with ourselves, not them. Pretend Mike is your friend and just care about him.”

“That’s hard to do since his life does affect mine. Every day.”

Claudia nodded. “I know, dear. That is where it gets tricky. You will have to trust that everything is going to turn out and stop trying to control it. Stop trying to hold on to the life you knew, and the Mike you knew, and trust the process he is in. Trust Mike. Men have the darndest way of turning into the men they were meant to be. And I’ll bet that a long time ago you fell in love with the man Mike is going to be. Trust that. And relax.”

Karen looked at her with tears in her eyes. “Okay, I think I can do that. Is there anything else I can do?”

Claudia smiled. “These are the most important things. Be a friend. And listen. Beyond that, don’t make fun of him and don’t let anyone else make fun of him.”

“Okay. I think I can get through this.”

Claudia raised her mug as if to make a toast. “There is an upside, you know.”

Karen looked surprised. “Really? What?”

Claudia sipped her cocoa. “I think you have started to experience it. If you practice being safe to talk to, by listening a lot without judgment or interruption, the level of intimacy can become extraordinary, even priceless. A man is vulnerable in this transition. If you are safe for him, he may show you his soul.”